she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
