my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
