I faked an abortion last night.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Is it because I queefed?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
