so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
