I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
