How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
