Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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