And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
