All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
