if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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