I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
