My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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