very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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