Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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