Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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