I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
