I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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