I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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