Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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