No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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