Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
