your thong is hanging out like whoa
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
