I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
