I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
