i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
