The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
