i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I can't put those talents on a resume
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
