You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
