You just made me feel so damn special
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
