You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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