So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I love having hate sex.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
