Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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