he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
