Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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