Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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