my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
