I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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