I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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