i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
