i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
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He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
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I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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