drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
