im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
