Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
