I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
