after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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