hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize