after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
