omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
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She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
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I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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