Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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