Someone shit on the floor
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.