I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.