sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
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