You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
