So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
