Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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