You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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