remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
sex in a hospital.. check
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
