I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
