I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Watching her eat just hurts me
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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